Apology

I'd like to thank everyone for coming. I will be reading a prepared statement and I will not be taking any questions afterwards. As I am sure you are aware, in recent weeks, some events have come to light which implicate me and other members of staff in some disreputable affairs. This newly revealed evidence reveals behaviour not representative of the mayor of Little Stonesbruck or the office it represents, and for this I am truly, truly sorry.

I love this village. I am proud of its history, its strong sense of community and the remarkable qualities of its individuals. Many important people have come from this small place and influenced the world at large. Robert LaTwaine, who we all knows as the inventor of orange juice without pulp and Denise Marraine, the world's first female one-legged professional football player. I think we can all agree these people represent the best of what Little Stonesbruck has to offer.

But we are not here to talk about the best, we are here to talk about me and my involvement in the events of last month's Annual Under 12's Softball Game with Big Stonesbruck. Our village has always enjoyed a friendly sports rivalry with our larger neighbour on the other side of the county line. Every year, we gather round the children of our respective primary schools to enjoy a friendly game of softball and each other's company. It is a moment where we come together in the spirit of competition and togetherness. But competition is a double-edged sword and it is one that I have fallen victim to.

Perhaps my flaw is that I care about too much Little Stonesbruck. Perhaps I too badly wanted to see the look on those smug Big Stonesbruck faces when we finally beat them in softball after a 27-year losing streak. Perhaps I got tired of the mayor of Big Stonesbruck tagging me whenever the Society for Children with Cerebral Palsy posts of a photo of one of their patients on Facebook and suggesting I draft them into our softball team because they probably wouldn't do any worse than anyone current on our team.

Whatever the reason, it was wrong of us to take the actions that we did. We shouldn't have wasted taxpayer money on ordering large amounts of pizza to the house of the Big Stonesbruck softball team coach. It was wrong of us to sneak onto their softball pitch at night and smear grease on all the bases so the children would slip and fall when they would step on them during practice. For the record, no children were injured as a result of that so that turned out to be a big waste of time.

But the action that I, and the rest of the mayoral staff here at Little Stonesbruck most regret is spiking their water supply on the day of the competition with dangerous amounts of laxatives causing most of the children to absolutely shit themselves in the fourth inning. It was very traumatising for the children of Big Stonesbruck Primary School to defecate themselves in front of their parents and teachers as well as, so the school psychiatrist tells me, for our children as well, who found the experience of watching 15 children simultaneously void their bowels to be very confusing and upsetting.

This was very wrong of me and we should all praise the reporters of the Little Stonesbruck Gazette for their tenacity in reporting this story. They did a very good job of guessing the password to my inbox, WorldsBestMayor, and exposing the truth by finding the electronic receipt for those laxatives. Who knows what else I would have done had I not been caught.

My advisors told me to resign and I said no. But then my lawyer told me there's probably going to be criminal charges for this so it is with a heavy heart that I must resign from office because it looks like I have quite the reckless endangerment case on my hands.

I would like to thank my constituents for their endless support over the past few years and I would once again like to repeat that I am very, very sorry.

Thank you.